Treading Water

My life the last few weeks has felt a bit like treading water with a 10 pound brick - at first it doesn't seem so bad, but as time goes by you get more and more tired and feel like you are drowning instead of treading water. There have been many moments over the last few weeks where I feel like I am on that delicate line between treading water and drowning. If it wasn't for my wonderful husband and good friends and family, I couldn't make it.
I'm going to take this post to vent about all the things I feel like I'm barely 'treading water' with, so feel free to skip to the end to see some updated pictures.
I didn't think that adding one more child to life would be that difficult, but it has totally turned my world upside down. For those of you who know me, you know that I like to live in a box. Everything has it's place and is organized and every day has routine. Of course with a new baby, there can be no box and no routine, and that has left me feeling insecure. There is no comfort zone. Although I love my little Charly, she has become more and more difficult as time goes by. She has become colicky, and when she is not eating, she wants to be held all the time. If I try to put her in the bouncy chair or swing, it's about 60 seconds before she starts screaming bloody murder. As soon as I pick her up- she's fine. She does take naps, but usually one is while I carry her in a baby bjorn backpack, one is in the car while we run errands and the other is on my bed. While she sleeps just fine at night in her crib, she doesn't like it so much during the day. So while most of my daytime hours are devoted to her- not much else gets done. My house is picked up, but not clean. ( Although Ryan spent all day Saturday cleaning the kitchen floors, the table and chairs and deep cleaning our bathroom. Thanks honey.) I know you are thinking- you just had a baby, who cares if you're house is dirty. But in reality it would drive you nuts too if your kitchen counter never got wiped down, there was toothpaste on the floor in the kids bathroom and your piles of mail, bills and laundry just kept getting bigger and bigger.
I think what is really hard for me, is with the first kid, it's totally normal for you to be a hermit for at least 6 weeks, never shower or do your hair and not run any errands. That's how it was with Kate and Clark. I lived in a cave for at least 3 months. I didn't even leave the house with them until they were 4 months old. The only time I ran errands was when some one came to my house to give me a break. This time around I got 2 weeks to be a hermit- that's it. Now I have to get back to all my regular duties, plus take care of a baby and all that without sleeping more than 2 consecutive hours at night. Plus I have 2 other kids who are starved for attention and act out in every way possible just to get some recognition. They totally have cabin fever, so thanks to Nana, Grandma and Bethany Minor for taking my kids for a few hours to get them out of the house.
Another issue is breast feeding. I was doing really well the first 2 weeks and then Charly was wanting to eat every 2 hours. Eating for an hour and sleeping for an hour all night long just does not work for me. I am a 8-9 hour sleeper and it's killing me to get about 5 1/2. So when she did that, and I only got 4 hours of sleep- something had to change. I started pumping to see how much milk i was making- to see how much she was really getting, and came to find out that I was totally inconsistent in my milk supply. So no wonder she was eating all the time. Once I started pumping, it was much easier to feed her with a bottle and much quicker too. So I thought I'd feed her with a bottle at night, because she would fall asleep on the boob, not get a full feeding and want to eat all night long, then I would nurse her during the day. Well that lasted about 2 days. She didn't want me anymore! After about 20 minutes, I'd switch sides and she would freak out. The milk would be spilling out into her mouth and she's scream. As soon as I put a bottle in her mouth- she was fine. UGH. So now I am just pumping and supplementing with formula ( because I'm still not making enough). So I want to just quit the breastmilk all together. I do not want to be tied to the pump like I was with Kate and Clark. However, now I have guilt associated with not pumping. One is the money issue- it's just one more thing we have to buy and two, I know that breastmilk is better for babies and I want to give the best to my baby.
All of these little issues just pile up to one big heap of anxiety. For those of you who know me, I have struggled with anxiety and depression in my life, but have learned to control it because I know what my triggers are. Well can you guess what my triggers are? Lack of sleep and lack of exercise which lead to bad body image. So since I cannot exercise and I'm not getting any sleep, the fact that I still have to wear pregnancy clothes creates lots of anxiety. And guess what I do when I'm anxious? I eat.  That does nothing to help my situation, in fact it just makes it worse! So instead of loosing those last 10 lbs, I'm just adding more to it. I know it will eventually work itself out. In a few weeks I'll be able to exercise again, Charly will hopefully sleep more at night and I'll eventually be able to fit in my clothes again. Too bad I can't just be a hermit until that time!
So there you have it. If you actually took the time to read that whole thing- wow. You are a better person than I am. And for those who didn't- here's some updated pictures as promised.

For the first 2 weeks we slept Charly in our room in the pack n'play.  We keep it cold in our room, so we had to bundle her all up like this.

Daddy's little girl

Bath time!

It's kinda hard to see, but she fell asleep with the pacifier and then spit it out. It flipped around and she is holding on to it with her hand

She is already a thumb sucker!

This was today- all dressed up to go to WalMart.