Monday, March 21, 2011

Treading Water

My life the last few weeks has felt a bit like treading water with a 10 pound brick - at first it doesn't seem so bad, but as time goes by you get more and more tired and feel like you are drowning instead of treading water. There have been many moments over the last few weeks where I feel like I am on that delicate line between treading water and drowning. If it wasn't for my wonderful husband and good friends and family, I couldn't make it.
I'm going to take this post to vent about all the things I feel like I'm barely 'treading water' with, so feel free to skip to the end to see some updated pictures.
I didn't think that adding one more child to life would be that difficult, but it has totally turned my world upside down. For those of you who know me, you know that I like to live in a box. Everything has it's place and is organized and every day has routine. Of course with a new baby, there can be no box and no routine, and that has left me feeling insecure. There is no comfort zone. Although I love my little Charly, she has become more and more difficult as time goes by. She has become colicky, and when she is not eating, she wants to be held all the time. If I try to put her in the bouncy chair or swing, it's about 60 seconds before she starts screaming bloody murder. As soon as I pick her up- she's fine. She does take naps, but usually one is while I carry her in a baby bjorn backpack, one is in the car while we run errands and the other is on my bed. While she sleeps just fine at night in her crib, she doesn't like it so much during the day. So while most of my daytime hours are devoted to her- not much else gets done. My house is picked up, but not clean. ( Although Ryan spent all day Saturday cleaning the kitchen floors, the table and chairs and deep cleaning our bathroom. Thanks honey.) I know you are thinking- you just had a baby, who cares if you're house is dirty. But in reality it would drive you nuts too if your kitchen counter never got wiped down, there was toothpaste on the floor in the kids bathroom and your piles of mail, bills and laundry just kept getting bigger and bigger.
I think what is really hard for me, is with the first kid, it's totally normal for you to be a hermit for at least 6 weeks, never shower or do your hair and not run any errands. That's how it was with Kate and Clark. I lived in a cave for at least 3 months. I didn't even leave the house with them until they were 4 months old. The only time I ran errands was when some one came to my house to give me a break. This time around I got 2 weeks to be a hermit- that's it. Now I have to get back to all my regular duties, plus take care of a baby and all that without sleeping more than 2 consecutive hours at night. Plus I have 2 other kids who are starved for attention and act out in every way possible just to get some recognition. They totally have cabin fever, so thanks to Nana, Grandma and Bethany Minor for taking my kids for a few hours to get them out of the house.
Another issue is breast feeding. I was doing really well the first 2 weeks and then Charly was wanting to eat every 2 hours. Eating for an hour and sleeping for an hour all night long just does not work for me. I am a 8-9 hour sleeper and it's killing me to get about 5 1/2. So when she did that, and I only got 4 hours of sleep- something had to change. I started pumping to see how much milk i was making- to see how much she was really getting, and came to find out that I was totally inconsistent in my milk supply. So no wonder she was eating all the time. Once I started pumping, it was much easier to feed her with a bottle and much quicker too. So I thought I'd feed her with a bottle at night, because she would fall asleep on the boob, not get a full feeding and want to eat all night long, then I would nurse her during the day. Well that lasted about 2 days. She didn't want me anymore! After about 20 minutes, I'd switch sides and she would freak out. The milk would be spilling out into her mouth and she's scream. As soon as I put a bottle in her mouth- she was fine. UGH. So now I am just pumping and supplementing with formula ( because I'm still not making enough). So I want to just quit the breastmilk all together. I do not want to be tied to the pump like I was with Kate and Clark. However, now I have guilt associated with not pumping. One is the money issue- it's just one more thing we have to buy and two, I know that breastmilk is better for babies and I want to give the best to my baby.
All of these little issues just pile up to one big heap of anxiety. For those of you who know me, I have struggled with anxiety and depression in my life, but have learned to control it because I know what my triggers are. Well can you guess what my triggers are? Lack of sleep and lack of exercise which lead to bad body image. So since I cannot exercise and I'm not getting any sleep, the fact that I still have to wear pregnancy clothes creates lots of anxiety. And guess what I do when I'm anxious? I eat.  That does nothing to help my situation, in fact it just makes it worse! So instead of loosing those last 10 lbs, I'm just adding more to it. I know it will eventually work itself out. In a few weeks I'll be able to exercise again, Charly will hopefully sleep more at night and I'll eventually be able to fit in my clothes again. Too bad I can't just be a hermit until that time!
So there you have it. If you actually took the time to read that whole thing- wow. You are a better person than I am. And for those who didn't- here's some updated pictures as promised.
For the first 2 weeks we slept Charly in our room in the pack n'play.  We keep it cold in our room, so we had to bundle her all up like this.


Daddy's little girl

Bath time!

It's kinda hard to see, but she fell asleep with the pacifier and then spit it out. It flipped around and she is holding on to it with her hand

She is already a thumb sucker!

This was today- all dressed up to go to WalMart.

8 comments:

The Milliron Family said...

Jel I am so sorry to hear how stressful things are. And if it helps . . you're normal : ) I couldn't breastfeed with Douglas. I was pumping about 5 ounces from each boob because he hated nursing. So my milk dried up pretty fast since all I did was pump. Then I had to go through the engorgement and everything with Elizabeth. That was so hard. Producing milk knowing I didn't have my little girl there. But then with Josh, I nursed for 4 months and then stopped. I know it's hard. You don't feel like yourself for a while after you have kids. I am still trying to get my body back to where it used to be. Dang kids : ) I am right down the road and would love to take Kate and Clark for the day if you want. I would be happy to. Just say the word sister : ) And vent away - that's what friends and family are here for - to listen. Loves : )

Nancy Pitney said...

Charly is adorable! I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. I think Kami is right, it is normal to get frustrated. But because of you already have anxiety, be careful. I don't know the symptoms of post-partum depression--but you may want to talk to your doctor about it. Postpartum is totally normal too, but at least you can get help for it. Just remember how lucky you are. I can't believe Ryan cleaned the entire house--Rusty would NEVER do that! Your other kids may act out to get attention, but they are REALLY good kids! You'll get through this--just don't do it the hard way if you don't have to. A lot of what we as women endure is a result of our own expectations put on ourselves, no one elses. Good luck and call if you need anything!

Allison Johnson said...

Okay, read the whole thing. I don't have three, but I am also a 8-9 hour sleeper, and my second didn't sleep at all at night. For the first three months, she would eat for an hour, and then sleep for an hour, and be back up to eat again...from 9pm to 7am. At that point my 2yr old was up for the day, and she has never been a day sleeper, so there weren't any naps either. It was hard, and I was pretty much a witch. Then one morning, I woke up rested (and panicked) because she hadn't woken me up. That was the first night she slept for ten hours and NOTHING (sickness, teething, nothing) keeps her from sleeping since that night. Hang in there. Don't even try to tread, take time to just float. Newborns are hard, especially if they have trouble sleeping, have colic, and you have breastfeeding guilt. You are not alone, and NOBODY is going to judge if there is toothpaste on the floor or your clothes don't fit. Give yourself a pass to let some things slide for a few more weeks (or months!). Eventually, the kinks will all get worked out, and you will be back to your scheduled daily routines...

Allison Johnson said...

Oh yeah, as for the breastfeeding guilt, don't beat yourself up about it. I had no milk at all with my first, and my second wouldn't nurse so I pumped. When she was seven months old I FINALLY decided that she needed a loving mother more than she needed breastmilk. I deal with depression and anxiety on and off for the last 15 years or so, and it was absolutely THE BEST DECISION for me to stop pumping and just put her on formula full time. I was so much happier and so better able to deal with motherhood without the added stress on my shoulders...

Good luck! You can do this!

Jenny Johnson said...

I don't have any words of wisdom, but call me at nighttime or a weekend and I would love to come help out with anything you need. Sorry about the anxiety thing too, it's killer, but the good thing is that you already recognize it. Love you! PLEASE call me!

Ellen said...

Jel, I love you. You are the bomb and you are putting too much pressure on yourself. I love what Allison said, "just float." And put those lousy friends of yours the Haws family to work! They don't know what they are doing, bully them around a bit.

Carolyn said...

Just want to let you know, you are not alone! My 10-week-old Megan is quite colicky too, but I hear that is supposed to end around 3 months, so there is hope. (right???) She is getting somewhat better, but I understand how you feel. Having 5 kids is really a struggle for me, trying to keep everything going. However, I am learning to let a lot of less important things go, because I know that the Lord looks on my heart and my desires, not on my dirty bathroom. I struggle with anxiety and depression, though perhaps in a different form than you do, but I can relate. Sometimes it just helps to know that I am not the only one that is struggling. If you ever need to talk, I am here, and usually awake with a screaming baby, so don't think that you would be bothering me. :) I think you are wonder woman and I truly admire you. Charly is a cutie. :) Hang in there!

Tiffany Haynes said...

Sorry things are so rough! Mothers guilt is the worst kind. Do what's best for you and your family. I'll call you and schedule a day that Kate and Clark can come play.

I have toothpaste on our floor and I don't even have a newborn yet.